I guess its a little funny how I feel right now.
dodie’s song sums up a lot of what I’m feeling but it is also so much more than that.
I am feeling things right now that I didn’t even know that I could feel.
yes. i feel it. i said it. i feel love. i feel loved.
It’s a weird one. It’s 4 letters that have a whole lot of meaning. It gets thrown around in daily conversation. “oh yeah I love eating cabbage.” It is said between friends. “love you talk to you later.” It is said between parents and children. “I love you and thank you for everything. But this love. This love that I am feeling is different. It is different because it is a love that I have never experienced before. It is a feeling that makes me uneasy, but an uneasy that you want. It is 4 letters when tossed around with 2 other words can make me feel light and give me chills. When I hear you say I love you the butterflies in my stomach show up again.
It is strange because some people may say that it is too quick. Or they may look at us and think its crazy. But to those i say fuck it. I can feel it. I can really feel it. To me, love is that feeling that you get when you see this person and the whole world could be going to shit, but you know that you will be okay because you are fortunate enough to have this person in your life.
You. Are. Incredible.
You make me laugh. You make me feel like I am doing everything right. You make me feel like I can say anything I want to. You let me express my feelings. You allow me to have open discussions with you. You let me be me.
You are kind. You are smart. You are unbelievably giving and hilarious. You are gentle. You are optimistic and determined.
You make me believe that there is hope. You make me think that there is something more than just a hook up. You make me believe that I can be with someone.
You came into my life when I didn’t expect it. You came into my life at a time where I probably shouldn’t have been dating. Maybe, I wasn’t ready. I am so ready now. I am so ready to see where this goes. I fell for you and I fell for you fast and hard.
You give me hope. And giving hope is a big thing.
You give me comfort. And comfort is hard to come by in another person.
You. Make. Me. Happy.
So, for the past little while I have been thinking about this. I think about why for everything I do, do I put my whole heart into it? Is it cause since I was little my mom always told me, if I am going to do it, to do with everything I have? Probably a little.
At the same time I think its a little more than that. I think it goes down to who am inside. As a person I believe that anything worth doing is worth doing completely. That is why I will drive myself to the ground to accomplish things that may not be the attainable thing to do. That is why when I meet someone I want to know I will wholeheartedly try to get to know them. That is why I wear my heart on my sleeve and get hurt every single time (I want to be proven wrong with this one).
For me, whether it be a blessing in disguise or a fault, my feelings get put into everything I do. I know that you shouldn’t do that. But at the same time, how do you make it worth your time if you have no attachment to it. Now, I am not talking about things like cleaning your room or finishing an assignment. I am talking things like creating a meaningful relationship or applying to med school. I have been told time and time again, Naiomi, you are getting too emotional about this. You are too attached. Yea, so what, I am attached because it means something to me. Something that I am not ready to let go of yet.
It makes me vulnerable at times I really don’t want to be. It makes me the human that I am today. It helps me to hold onto things I know I shouldn’t hold on to. But at the same time it gives me drive and allows me to fight for something I know deep down will be worth it.
It’s me again.
B. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what made you say what you said. I don’t know if I did anything wrong, or if you just got scared and didn’t know what to do.
B. You told me that you don’t want anything serious. But, you said it out of nowhere. There was no warning, it felt like a break up. I don’t know where this is going, I just know at this point you are not looking for anything serious. I guess for me I don’t know if that really lines up with what I want. I know that I like you and I think that you have an interest in me too. The onus is on me now, I get to make the call. Do I want to do this? Is it worth it?
I am tired of things not working out. This is the closest thing that I have gotten to feeling like someone wants me around.
I am sad. I am hurt. But i am also glad it hasn’t ended. Its not the end. Maybe you just aren’t ready yet. But, maybe I am also just making excuses for you. I don’t know. It makes it complicated. And i think I don’t know is the best answer. I am going to let it fester. I am going to let it see where it goes. Regardless you and I are currently I don’t know.
To the new boy.
I was scared to write this one. I am scared to write this one. I feel like its going to jinx it. So why am I writing this one? I don’t know? This one is going to end differently than all the others. This on is not over. This one has hardly started. I can not sign my name to this one.
B. You came into my life when I did not expect it. There was no tinder. There was no weird meeting at a party. We met at a club. On New Years. We met at a club on New Years. How cliche does that sound. Our short story so far is full of cliches. Let’s recap the list of cliches/classic romcom moments/the moments that have happened so far.
- New Years
- You came up to me because I was wearing a ridiculous 2017 head band and broke the ice that way
- 5 minutes before midnight I left you, because I had to find my friend to say happy new year. I told you I’d be back.
- I got back to you within 15 seconds to midnight.
- You were my midnight kiss.
- We danced and sang and kissed and talked til you had to go.
- You’re best friend was there and spent the night with my best friend
- You almost didn’t ask for my number. But then my friend made you.
- I forgot about it
- You texted me 2 days later to go on a date.
- You cancelled on the first date. Cause you were ill.
- But you talked to me. We texted til we could meet up
- When we met up, it was amazing. It felt real and like I could be who I wanted to be.
- You let me have my walls down before I realized they were.
- You kissed me and that real first kiss gave me butterflies
- We didn’t see each other for 2 weeks after that
- I over thought everything.
- I thought you just didn’t like me
- I thought you didn’t want to see me.
- Then we saw each other again.
- It made me nervous to see you.
- It makes me feel giddy when I think of you
- This song is me : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TAJwGniuUs
- I still get nervous everyday that you are going to think I am crazy and that I started to be interested in you too quickly.
But B. you keep making future plans. You don’t know how I feel about future plans cause I haven’t told you how they make me anxious. I know that its unreasonable for me to think that you should know that. Last time a boy made plans – he ditched. So I know you aren’t him but its hard to get it out of my head. It is hard to not be skeptical of any boy who shows any remote interest.
The point is thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being the wonderful person you are. Thank you for giving me time. Thank you for being able to give me a little more to look forward to.
Boy, I contemplated this one. I didn’t think that I should write about it. But, oh well, if it crossed my mind it probably meant it was at some point something I wanted to right about.
You were a blip. A very brief blip. I am sorry I think I was the one that messed this one up. The thing was I wasn’t interested. You knew that, you also weren’t interested in me. You maybe were interested in hooking up, but we both knew that you weren’t interested in me. To me that wasn’t going to work. I’m sorry because I am okay with that, cause you were clear with it and we just had different expectations.
The thing is that we run in the same friend group and we used to text everyday. Now we don’t even say hi at our mutual friends house. The last time we saw each other you petted my head like I was a dog. It made me feel weird. It was uncomfortable.
I know you’re not a bad guy. I know that you are probably one of the nicest guys in our friend group. I know that it probably is just because we didn’t click and I wasn’t looking for anything that you wanted. I am sorry.
I know that you just came out of a relationship and you need time and I should’ve been more patient with you, but at the same time, I was going through a time where I felt selfish. So I am sorry for that too.
D. I know you’re gonna to be swell and I am sure we can just get gooned together at the next party and it will be okay. You were a fun blip in my life and I think we are both okay with where we are.
The classic overthinking gif. Perfect way to start this blog post. This post is more me being angry at myself and frustrated about overthinking.
So what sparked me to have this burst of anger? I watched this buzzfeed video and then realized that the girl, was basically my spirit animal.
Then I was like ah gee that makes life so much more difficult.
Overthinking for me, is something that I absolutely hate about myself. It is something that creates a lot more problems for myself than absolutely necessary. Like when I go to a restaurant. I have to force myself to order the first thing that stands out. If I don’t I will be looking at a menu for half an hour before a decision can be made. So… Then what happens when I amplify that bigger decisions like summer plans, school, relationships? It’s a disaster.
Now, the real problem is that I don’t just overthink the normal outcomes, the likely outcomes. I tend to overthink the problems that are extraordinarily unlikely. This may stem from the unlikelihood-ness of my irrational fears, but I digress.
Let me tell you about my classic cycle that I have been going through for the past month.
I met a boy (oh yes how all the exciting stories start)… anyway… I met a boy. Now this boy and I are texting. But, I cannot double text when he doesn’t reply because they means I am needy. But at the same time I cannot reply to quickly because then I am too keen, and I cannot always be the first to text him. Oh and he’s not replying, that just means he’s not interested. Hasn’t replied in 3 hours oh definitely not interested. He hasn’t asked me a question. Oh he wants the conversation to end. This just goes on and on and on. Then he texts me back and it goes away.
So what I have learned is this.
It shouldn’t and doesn’t matter what other people think. You do what you know is best for you. If you want to text the boy, text the boy. If you want to talk to someone talk to them. If you want to eat something, try it. Don’t let you mind take over and cause you to drive yourself to the ground just thinking about all these possibilities. Because the real thing may not be what you would’ve thought it would be. It could be worse, but at the same time it could be so much better than anything you could’ve imagined.
Thank you for being something I didn’t expect.
Thank you for showing me that there with a little bit of hope and being okay with uncertainty, good things will come.
You are young. You have hardly started to happen. You are less than a month old and you have impressed me.
My blogs to come are all a collection of what has happened already in this month and of course the only way I can process it is to write about it in a public place.
I also wonder if this is a function of being happy with where I am. I wonder if 2017 is maybe everything I want it to be because I have changed my attitude and my outlook. I have created a routine that allows me to do this. Maybe it is part me, maybe it is partly the new year. Whatever it is, I am happy.
Thank you 2017. Keep up the good work.
K, I just have to get it out you’re an a**. But of course from every person I meet, I have to thank you. Thank you for showing me that I don’t need a guy’s approval to feel better about myself. Thank you for showing me what I don’t like to see in people.
K. You knew I was in a place that I didn’t want to be. I knew your reputation. I’ve heard it. But, I didn’t care. I was like why not. K.
K. I heard you talked about me after that night. I heard you said that it sucks how you always end up with the ugliest girl at the party. K. That hurts. You said it in front of my best friend. Of course she was going to tell me. K. I thank you for respecting my boundaries. But. I shouldn’t have to thank you for that. That should be a given. Everyone should respect everyone’s boundaries. I will never forgive you for what you said. It hurt. A lot. Even though you mean next to nothing to me. It still hurt.
K. Every girl you ever meet will be beautiful in their own way. Please don’t make them feel differently. Please don’t let them think like me.
Oh man S, you have a special special place in my heart. It takes up a small corner but I know it is there. This letter has to be a story because I don’t even think you remember what happened.
S, I told you that you needed to come to my house for a party. I said it will be fun. You came. As we do, we got a little tipsy. I mean we all got a little tipsy. I don’t know if you know, but I’ve always had a crush on you. A big one. Just not a crush I would act on. It’s like a Zac Efron crush. You know like you see him and you know that you have a crush on him but you know that the likelihood of something occurring is unlikely? I was okay with that. I knew you struggled with girls, as I do with boys. I never understood that though. In my eyes you are a catch – most of the time 🙂
Then she showed up. You guys both saw each other. I was like yay there’s a girl. You can do it S. I know you can. She was all over you. I saw it. I didn’t really know her. She was a friend of a friend. Regardless. Then you walked over to me. I thought the next few moments would’ve panned out differently but they didn’t. You said to me. N, she won’t hook up with me because you like me. I thought to myself, S are we in high school. We are adults. Who plays games like this now? I said I didn’t and I didn’t care. Former being a lie the latter being the truth. I didn’t care. I wanted you to be happy. You didn’t listen though. You hugged me. Then you told me how much you loved me. You loved me but you loved me only as a friend. You don’t realize this. That hurt. It hurt a lot. You reinforced every insecurity about myself that I had. I knew I wasn’t pretty like her. I knew I wasn’t flirty and girly and whatever like her. But you saying it out loud. Friend. That was killer. I told you that I understood you. But. You said it again. S, why did you say it again?
You will always have a place in my heart. A special little chunk. But you are just a Zac Efron crush. You will find the one that has patience and will be the one you are looking for. I know its not me. I am okay with that. TBH more than okay. Just don’t say that you love me like a friend again. Imagine if your celebrity crush did that to you.